I want… freedom, safety, peace, quiet, comfort, energy, health, to be understood, to matter, to love and be loved.
I need… stillness, understanding, solitude, quiet, rest, to think, to understand.
I fear… harm, exploitation.
I wish… a peaceful, comfortable, loving, energetic, healthy, fulfilling, and joyful life for my kids, for my family, for my self, for my friends, for my friends’ families, for everyone.
I hope… my kids are kind, genuine, considerate, healthy, and responsible. I hope they live a meaningful life. I hope they are safe and free and peaceful and joyful.
I expect… everything to be just fine.
I am… fine.
I love… life.
“Can you multitask?”
Yes, actually I am losing my mind and chilling at the same time.
It’s the way of things. We come into the world, we live for a time, we depart. As for the appearance, I don’t know how much choice is involved. From the river of souls, did I choose this vessel to inhabit? And for the living, how do I know how it is done? Purpose. What is expected? How do I do it? What are the rules of the game? How is it meant to be played? Meaning. What’s it all about? Why do we play this game?
I don’t know how anyone prepares for loss. Even when it’s not a surprise, it still sears and shatters. So I keep reminding myself that it’s the way of things. Acceptance. I’m working on acceptance. I think about purpose. And meaning. The cosmic goo of existence. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. My mother and my other mother, dear birdies, both left us in January. Mom, a year ago, Meredith, now. I am so lucky to have so many mothers. Did I learn what they needed to teach me? Am I ready for life? Can I teach my children what they need to know?
I’m missing my mothers, these mothers who mothered so many. How many people are missing my mothers this day? So many of us! A veritable tribe. They’re not truly gone. They live on in me, in us, this broad and wide family they embraced for the time that they had breath.
My mothers taught me much. Not so much with words or directions, but in the ways they lived their own lives. Fierce. Proud. Protective. Stubborn. Steadfast. Unwavering. Compassionate. Tenacious. Defiant. Reliable. Resourceful. Cooperative. Helpful. Loving. Imaginative. Creative. Playful. Competitive. Sharp. Enduring. Inclusive. Nurturing. Strong. Mighty. Humble. Simple. Friendly.
My Mothers
I am so very rich for the life they shared with me.
Happy birthday to my Mister Remarkable. You march to the beat of your own drummer, and you always have. You’ve got things going on in your head that are inexplicable to mere mortals. You’ve always stood out in a crowd, no matter the crowd. Like Fezzik from The Princess Bride, “It’s Not My Fault Being The Biggest And The Strongest. I Don’t Even Exercise.” You’ve rocked my world from the moment we met, and I can’t imagine what life would be like if this world didn’t have you. You are a superstar.
To everything (churn, churn, churn) There is a season (churn, churn, churn) And a time to every purpose, under heaven…
Pete Seeger, The Byrds, Ecclesiastes 3, and Me
And thus 2020.
Bravo to the resilience of the human heart! Scattered amongst the rubble and ashes are sparkles and glints of hope and new beginnings where gems have formed from the upheaval.
Gems, not geRms… And granted, it can be difficult to see much of anything besides the detritus. Especially when you’re drowning in it. Or suffocating. So much loss for so many. We endure much as we navigate through these remarkable times.
I spend a lot of time thinking about thought, energy, and intention. If thoughts are tangible (THEY ARE!, neuroscience, yo), imagine what the air would look like if we could see the energy footprint of each thought? Polluted, at the very least. It’s been hard to breathe, so to speak. How do people behave when they can’t breathe? Frantic. And how does that further affect the existing murk? It’s easy to feel helpless. I may not be able to control much, but I can control my own contribution, the energy footprint of my own thoughts. I can shelter my thoughts. Garbage in, garbage out… And thus I keep a heavy filter on my system input, self-sequestered from much, and especially media.
Be responsible for the energy that you bring…
Variations plastered all over the internet by a number of sources (including Jill Bolte Taylor, Oprah, Brené Brown, and others)
How much damage we might be doing ourselves with our innocuous comments. All the times I’ve automatically thought PITA for one reason or another, the realization dawns that perhaps this persistent ache radiating from my hip might not exist had I the presence of mind to pay attention to what I was thinking. So, in the interest of improving the air quality and cleaning up my emissions, I’ve taken the liberty to enhance some expressions (because words are power) for everyday use. Each expression comprised of life affirming components. Holy. Almighty. Heaven. It sure beats a pain in the @$$…
Cleaning up my emissions
Someone who thinks she’s clever
HAH! /hä/
exclamation exclamation: hah
Acronym for HOLY ALMIGHTY HEAVEN! –used to express surprise, suspicion, triumph, or some other emotion. “HAH! That’ll teach you!”
AHH /ä/
exclamation exclamation: ah
Acronym for ALMIGHTY HOLY HEAVEN –used to express a range of emotions including surprise, pleasure,sympathy, and realization. “AHH, There you are!”
We spent more time living life than recording life, so there isn’t much photo evidence of our sweetest moments. Even with the world in such turmoil, we managed to go camping (TWICE!) and enjoyed some extra special family times. Jesse was spared the trauma of middle school new beginnings, avoiding the throngs of 7th graders funneling into the big school, and enjoys the extended anonymity of online school. Jaedyn also prefers online school, but does miss his high school social life. I retired from my day job — almost 34 years slogging away for what I hoped was the greater good — and took on my life’s dream job, which was (IS!) to be a stay at home mom (SAHM). I miss my people, though, having shared a lifetime with them; they are so very dear to me.
How blessed we are, my boys and I, to be able to wait out this present madness from the beauty and safety of our own Shangri-La. We were social distancers long before it became fashionable.
Shangri-La
In addition to avoiding politics and pestilence, I’ve embarked on a vocation which I call joyscaping, and started an organization – joyscapes.org – to capture some of it. It is an all encompassing vocation that embraces anything that produces joy. For some time now, I’ve been pursuing interests in frequency, color, light, sound, energy, thought, harmony, and wellness. Jesse’s been taking a digital arts class this semester, and as an opportunistic tutor, I’ve been dabbling with some of the tools that the school makes available. So far, I’ve made some collages exploring some of these themes. When in Rome…
I’m looking forward to the new shiny that emerges from these interesting times. For 2021, specifically, I’m very much looking forward to less private tutoring and more in-person education for the boys, hoping school reopens in the fall — mama wants needs more FREE time, ME time! 2020 was a year of wear and tear, to say the least. We are grateful to be well and healthy. We are grateful for this life. And we are always hopeful for a better today and a better tomorrow. 🙂
